Fall to Pieces

The other night I was so lucky to be invited to a one night only event with Sara Bareilles singing the songs from her new musical, The Waitress.  It was a life changing event and intensely struck a chord deep in the roots of my musical soul.  I remembered how much I absolutely love and cherish musical theater.  I was raised in the world of musical theater, basking in the thrill of the lights, the costumes, the set, the rise of the curtain..  But the aspect I loved the most about the theater was the ability to transform into another person; become a character that was completely different from me and enter a vibrant new world on the stage.  The characters I was fortunate enough to play in high school were strong, brave, complex, and had clear goals, stopping at nothing to achieve them.  I poured my heart into these roles because I found my voice through them.  My confidence as a performer lifted me up so high.. I knew the world of the stage absolutely needed to stay a constant in my life as I grew older.  That’s all I wanted to do.

However.. there were influences, shall we vaguely say, in my life that wholeheartedly supported my musical ventures as a child, but in no way was music (in any facet) as a viable career choice.  It was viewed as more of a ‘cute’ thing we got to do while in school.  Yes, it was acknowledged that I was talented and the idea of my further pursuing musical theater was entertained, but ultimately I was not supported in the unconventional life choices I continued to make.

I will always be eternally grateful to the world of musical theater for providing me such a warm, welcoming home.  I felt robbed of the choice to be who I wanted to be in my real life.  I felt confused and alone in my real life.  I felt…completely lost with no direction.  The theater gave me the courage to unapologetically emerge from the dry soil I was planted in and sew my roots into a more fertile ground.  I could hide myself behind the curtain and be whoever I wanted to be under the lights of the stage and those experiences have greatly shaped the musician I am today.  Although I live with the sharp pains of knowing I’ve disappointed a few, they never cut deep enough to plant a seed of regret.

I was sewn into the ground where I was robbed

Couldn’t even make a sound without being wrong

And who knew that I could ever carry up my hollowed soul without ever looking down…

Without ever looking down

………………………………………………………………………………………

Shadowed, lost, forbidden space where I could thrive

A place where I could find myself instead of hide

And all my doubts, they faded just beyond the silver moon behind the curtain and the lights…

Behind the curtain and these lights

………………………………………………………………………………………

Flying so high that they’d never hit the ground

No they’d never hit the ground

Or they’d fall to pieces

………………………………………………………………………………………

And I never asked for anything

And I never wanted…

Every word you’ve ever said I’ve swallowed them down

It doesn’t sit well

I’ve tried pulling the needle out

But I can’t help coming back to push more in my blood cells

Your cancerous chanting wrapped around me

Squeezing tightly

A sickness of needing something causing me to fall

Masquerading, just behind the wall

………………………………………………………………………………………

And flying so high

   

  

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